Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
