I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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