so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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