Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize