I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
