Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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