yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
