They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
