I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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