I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
