i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
