u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Come on in and take your pants off
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