hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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