I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
you inspire me to be a worse person
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
