That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize