she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
