Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
