Can i not drive my cunt home
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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