i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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