my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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