think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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