it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
