wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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