seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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