I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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