I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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