Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
