Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
