Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
