If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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