I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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