you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
