i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Enjoy the penises
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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