Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
