Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
