Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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