Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
