So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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