There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
