end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
