He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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