96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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