A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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