Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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