That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
