Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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