we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
