I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
