Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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