stop calling my apartment porn island.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
