I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
