Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I could fuck to npr.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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