saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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